Our Phones, Our Nervous Systems: What Constant Connection Is Doing to Us

by Samantha Sebastian, LMFT

If you’ve ever caught yourself checking your phone without realizing it, or felt strangely anxious when you can’t find it, you’re not alone.

Our relationship with our phones has become one of the most intimate, constant connections in our lives. They wake us up, keep us company, distract us, inform us, and fill our quiet moments. Yet many of us also notice that being “always on” leaves us feeling scattered, exhausted, or disconnected from ourselves.

I’ve noticed this in my own life too. Every so often, I decide to keep my phone out of the bedroom at night - usually after noticing how wired I feel scrolling before bed. It works for a night or two, and then somehow, my phone finds it way back onto the nightstand. I’ll tell myself it’s just an alarm, or that I want to check one thing before sleeping. But really, it’s my brain chasing that familiar dopamine hit - the small rush of novelty and comfort that comes from feeling plugged in.

Breaking that pattern is hard, and it’s not because we lack willpower - it is because our nervous system has been trained to crave that stimulation.

The Modern Nervous System

Our nervous system is built to respond to the world around us. To notice changes, assess for safety, and bring us back to calm when the moment passes. But in today’s world, those moments rarely pass.

Every ping, notification, or scroll through headlines sends small surges of activation through the body. Even pleasant updates, such as a message from a friend or being tagged in a funny video, release dopamine, the brain’s reward chemical. Over time, this constant stimulation can leave our system in a subtle state of vigilance, like the background hum of a machine that never fully powers down.

This isn’t about weakness, but rather biology. The same systems that help us feel joy, curiosity, and connection are the ones that get hijacked by endless scrolls and alerts.

When Connection Becomes Confusing

Social media connects us in ways that can be genuinely meaningful. For many of us, it helps bridge distance by keeping us close to loved ones who live far away, supporting long-distance relationships, or offering community during seasons of loneliness. We can share milestones, celebrate wins, and find people who truly understand what we’re going through. Those are deeply human and meaningful ways to use technology.

But the same platforms that bring us closer also make it easy to stay plugged in far past the point of genuine connection. The longer we scroll, the more our brains start to link belonging with constant engagement. We check in hoping for connection, but often end up feeling overstimulated or even a little empty.

That’s because our brains can confuse proximity with presence. Seeing updates and photos gives us the illusion of closeness—but it’s not the same as the grounded, co-regulated connection that happens in real life through tone, eye contact, and shared space. Researchers call this “social surrogacy.” Digital interactions can feel almost like real social contact, but they lack the nervous system feedback that helps us feel truly safe, seen, and soothed.

Online connection isn’t fake - it’s just partial. When we use it consciously and pair it with moments of genuine presence, it can be both nourishing and sustainable.

What You Can Do to Reconnect

1. Start with Awareness

Notice when and why you reach for your phone. Is it boredom? Stress? Avoidance? This isn’t about judgment, but more about curiosity.

Try keeping a gentle log for one day: every time you check your phone, jot down what you were feeling or doing just before. Patterns often tell us what we truly need, maybe comfort, rest, or connection.

2. Create Mini Tech Pauses

You don’t have to go completely offline. Start small:

• Put your phone in another room for the first 30 minutes after waking.

• Eat one meal without screens.

• Go on a short walk without headphones.

• Charge your phone outside the bedroom once a week.

These micro-pauses help your body remember what calm feels like.

3. Relearn Rest

Stillness can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if your nervous system is used to constant stimulation. You might notice restlessness, guilt, or the urge to “check one more thing.”

Gently remind yourself: doing nothing is also doing something. It’s giving your mind a chance to reset. When that urge comes up, try breathing through it. Say to yourself: ”My body is safe. I don’t have to respond right now.” Each time you do, you’re teaching your system a new pattern.

4. Practice Nervous System Resets

• Try box breathing (inhale 4 – hold 4 – exhale 4 – hold 4).

• Step outside and notice five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear.

• Splash cold water on your face to engage your vagus nerve.

Even 60 seconds of mindful presence can recalibrate your system.

Reclaiming Presence

Technology isn’t the enemy - it’s a tool. It can connect us, teach us, and even comfort us. But like any tool, it’s most helpful when we use it with awareness.

Reclaiming our attention is an act of care, a way of saying to ourselves: My peace matters more than my notifications.

Try this small reflection: “What moments of quiet do I miss when I’m always connected? And how might I create space to find them again?”

If you’re feeling overstimulated, anxious, or disconnected, therapy can help you find balance and safety in your own body again. You can learn to slow down, regulate, and reconnect with yourself, your loved ones, and the world around you.

→ Explore more resources or schedule a free 20-minute consultation call with me.