Boundaries and Balance: Protecting Your Peace Without Building Walls
by Samantha Sebastian, LMFT
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
— Prentis Hemphill
If you’ve ever felt guilty for saying no, worried that setting a limit might push someone away, or found yourself doing things you didn’t really have the capacity for, you’re not alone. Boundaries are one of the most misunderstood parts of emotional health - especially for people who’ve learned that care, connection, or belonging mean self-sacrifice.
But healthy boundaries aren’t walls, punishments, or selfish acts. They’re what allow us to stay connected and stay true to ourselves at the same time.
What We Get Wrong About Boundaries
Many of us were taught that “good” people are accommodating, flexible, and available. That love means saying yes. That harmony means keeping the peace. This is especially true for many women. So when we start setting boundaries, it can feel uncomfortable, or even selfish or mean. But boundaries aren’t about control or distance; they’re about clarity, honesty, and care. They help us understand where we end and another person begins. Not in an effort to create distance, but to make connection more sustainable and healthy.
A boundary says:
“Here’s what I need to stay well and connected to you.”
One of the biggest misconceptions is that boundaries are about pushing people away. In reality, they’re about staying close without losing yourself. They make it possible to show up authentically, rather than from resentment or exhaustion.
Boundaries can sound like:
“I’d love to support you, but I don’t have the energy tonight.”
“I can’t talk about this topic right now, but I would love to come back to it later.”
I care about you, and I also need some time for myself today.”
These statements aren’t rejection; they’re self-awareness in action. They honor both the relationship and your own limits.
Another thing we often get wrong is believing boundaries have to be rigid to be real. But boundaries aren’t fixed walls - think of them more as dynamic edges. They shift as your circumstances, energy, and capacity change. A healthy boundary today might look different in a month, and that flexibility is part of growth.
Let’s say you’ve recently realized that time alone after work is essential for you to decompress. You might set a boundary with your partner or friends that says,
“I need my evenings to myself right now to rest and reset. I’ll reach out when I’m ready to hang out.”
For a few weeks, that space feels necessary. It helps your nervous system regulate and gives you room to breathe.
But a month later, you notice that solitude starts to feel more like isolation than rest. You’re craving connection again. That’s your cue that the boundary can soften. Maybe it evolves into,
“I still need a quiet night or two each week, but I’d love to plan dinner together on Fridays.”
The boundary hasn’t disappeared, but rather it’s adapted to your current needs.
This is what healthy boundaries do: they shift as your energy, capacity, and circumstances change. They protect what’s most important in this season of your life, and they evolve as you do.
And finally, we tend to think that if a boundary upsets someone, it means we’ve done something wrong. But that discomfort often signals that you’re changing a pattern. And change, even healthy change, rarely feels comfortable at first. Boundaries might stretch the relationship for a moment, but in time, they create more trust, more safety, and more space for real connection.
What Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries Look Like
Healthy boundaries come from self-awareness and respect: for yourself and others. Unhealthy boundaries, on the other hand, often come from fear (of rejection, conflict, or abandonment).
Unhealthy Boundaries
Saying yes to avoid conflict
Taking responsibility for everyone else’s emotions
Hinting, withdrawing, or expecting others to “just know”
Having rigid rules that leave no room for nuance
Feeling obligated to maintain the same limits forever
Healthy Boundaries
Saying no without guilt
Taking responsibility for your feelings only
Communicating needs directly and calmly
Allowing flexibility while staying rooted in your values
Feeling safe to change your mind or revisit agreements
Healthy boundaries are living things - they shift as we do. What worked for you last year might not fit this season. And that’s okay.
What Happens When You Set a Boundary
When you begin setting boundaries, you may experience pushback, especially if others are used to you always saying yes. It can feel like you’re “disappointing” people, but often what’s really happening is the relationship is recalibrating.
Some people will honor your limit and adjust. Others may test it. That testing doesn’t mean you’re wrong to have one - it means your system and theirs are learning how to exist in a new, more balanced dynamic.
Sometimes, setting a boundary reveals who can meet you with understanding and who struggles when your limits shift. People who value mutual respect will often recalibrate and adapt. Others might test your limits, withdraw affection, or use guilt to pull you back into familiar roles. Those reactions can be painful, especially if you’ve spent much of your life trying to maintain connection through overgiving.
It’s normal to feel anxious, guilty, or second-guess yourself when this happens. But the truth is, discomfort is part of healing. When you hold your boundary with compassion - not defensiveness, just quiet steadiness - you teach both yourself and others that love doesn’t require self-abandonment.
Over time, as you practice, you’ll likely notice more emotional safety in your relationships. You’ll start to trust that you can say no and still be loved. You’ll feel less resentment and more genuine connection because you’re showing up from truth rather than obligation.
It takes practice. And often, it takes grief too. You might grieve the version of yourself who used to overextend, or the version of a relationship that existed without limits. But that grief is sacred work; it’s the clearing that makes space for something more honest to grow.
When Boundaries Become Too Rigid
Sometimes, after years of people-pleasing or chronic overextension, we swing hard in the other direction. We start saying no to everything, isolating ourselves, or assuming that closeness always leads to pain. These are protective responses - and they make perfect sense.
After being hurt, disappointed, or depleted, your nervous system learns to equate openness with danger. Setting strong boundaries feels like the only way to stay safe. And in the beginning, that may be exactly what you need.
But over time, those same walls can start to feel lonely. When boundaries become too rigid, they stop protecting you and start confining you. You might find yourself craving connection but feeling unable to trust it. You might keep people at arm’s length, even the ones who’ve earned a place closer.
Boundaries that are too rigid might sound like:
“I don’t need anyone. I am fine on my own.”
“It’s just easier to do everything myself.”
“I only feel safe when I am in control.”
These often come from past experiences of hurt, betrayal, or disappointment. In trauma-informed therapy, we see these as protective parts - parts that once kept us safe, but might now be keeping us lonely.
The goal isn’t to tear down your boundaries or force connection before you are ready, but rather to bring curiosity to them. Ask yourself: Is this boundary serving my peace, or protecting my fear?
Healthy boundaries live in the middle space. They flex. They breathe. They allow you to say yes when it feels aligned and no when it doesn’t. They evolve as you do - keeping you safe and connected.
Finding the Balance
Healthy boundaries are not about perfection; they’re about honest communication and self-trust. They grow with you.
Try asking yourself:
Where in my life do I feel resentful, drained, or invisible? (That’s usually a boundary waiting to be set.)
Where am I over-protecting myself out of fear? (That might be a boundary ready to soften.)
What would it look like to honor both my needs and the relationship?
Remember:
“Boundaries are the space between which I can love you and me at the same time.”
That’s the work - learning to hold both.
A Gentle Practice
Pause before saying yes. Give yourself permission to check in with your energy before agreeing to something.
Use “I” language. “I’m not available for that right now” or “I need some time to think about it.”
Expect mixed reactions. Discomfort doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
Offer clarity, not apology. You don’t have to justify or overexplain your needs.
Closing Reflection
Setting boundaries is an act of love for yourself and for others. When you define your limits with honesty and kindness, you make room for relationships that are rooted in mutual respect and genuine care.
If you’re learning to set boundaries for the first time, be gentle with yourself. This is deep nervous system work which involves unlearning patterns of people-pleasing, fear, and overgiving. And this time of work takes time.
But remember, every time you choose peace over people-pleasing, you’re teaching your body that safety can coexist with authenticity.
If you’re struggling to set or maintain boundaries, therapy can helhttps://www.samanthasebastian.com/ratesfaqsp you explore what’s underneath those patterns and practice healthier communication in a safe space.
→ Learn more or schedule a free 20-minute consultation with me.
